DATING FORUM

Question

Two weeks ago, you wrote an article about not listening to the advice of “dating someone till you hate them.” It was such a refreshing perspective, and everyone I know was talking about it. In the article, you compared it to geneivas da’as, stealing time from someone. What about frum men who feign wanting to be married, yet waste women’s time by dating them? Isn’t that also geneivas da’as?

I’ve been divorced for over ten years and have not been able to remarry because that’s the kind of men I meet. And I’m not the only one. We have a whole community of women who have the same story. Many men say, “I want to marry you,” to keep the women in relationships with them. Then the men get bored and do the same thing to the next lady. In case you’re wondering, I meet these men through matchmakers. The rabbis of the shuls they daven in know about this problem, but don’t seem to care, and they still say nice things about them to the next lady who asks about them, and they fall in. The matchmakers also know and they keep setting them up. What do you say about that?

Response

Two weeks ago, I discussed the toxic advice to “date him until you hate him.” The article was about how stretching a relationship past its natural clarity isn’t noble. It’s corrosive. And it’s considered geneivas da’assince it creates a false impression by creating a false illusion of the relationship. Your dilemma brings another dimension to geneivas da’as in dating.

Let me state this clearly: what you’re describing is not imaginary, not exaggerated, and not rare. Unfortunately, there’s a pattern in some dating circles, especially in frum communities where marriage is the stated goal, where some men present themselves as “ready to marry,” speak in future language, hint at exclusivity, allow emotional bonding to deepen, and then quietly disappear when boredom, fear, or a “better option” appears. Therefore, morally and halachically, this is a form of geneivas da’as.

Geneivas da’as is not theft as in stealing money. Geneivas da’as is a form of mental deception, even if no money changes hands. It is strictly forbidden to deceive someone or create a false impression. If a man says, “I want to marry you,” “I see a future with you,” or “Let’s talk about homes, schools, Pesach plans” (yep, they do that too), while internally he knows that he is stalling as he quietly keeps other options open and knows he has no intention of committing, this is a form of deception. And when time is the currency being stolen, especially from a woman who is dating l’shem shamayim with years already behind her, the theft is monumental.

I will take this one step further. It is also ona’as devarim, which is the prohibition to say anything that would pain, anger, hurt, frighten, bother, or embarrass another person. The Torah warns against causing pain through words. Chazal apply this to emotional harm. Future-faking commitment is a form of emotional oppression as it binds a woman psychologically. It keeps her off the market and attaches hope to illusion. And when the relationship collapses, she is not just disappointed; she is humiliated, destabilized, and suffers a crisis of trust.

Your plight is real. As a shadchan, I have seen this happen over and over. However, my response is not to indict every man. So, here is where nuance matters. Not all men are malicious, particularly if it appears that they did it just one time. There are also circumstances where a man might speak in grand language when he feels good at that moment. He might even convince himself that he means it. Don’t worry, I’m not letting those men off so easy either, because adulthood requires self-awareness. If you’re not ready to marry, you do not get to borrow someone else’s readiness as entertainment!

Intent matters in halacha. But so does negligence. Repeatedly creating false expectations is no longer naïveté; it becomes a pattern of harm. What makes this feel even heavier is the systemic failure you’re naming. Rabbanim who know the pattern but still give glowing references and shadchanim who continue to set these men up result in a revolving door of women who think they’re the exception and it could never happen to them. This is not just individual geneivas da’as; it’s community enabling. There is an issur of placing a stumbling block before a blind person. If leaders knowingly facilitate a person who repeatedly misleads women, that is morally complicated territory. But even here I have to be fair in being dan l’kaf zechus.

Sometimes rabbanim and shadchanim genuinely do not know the full story. Men present differently to authority figures. Women often don’t report the details. There is shame. There is “maybe it was just me.” But about what when there are documented patterns? Silence then becomes participation, not just complacency. Silence protects the wrong party to continue hurting others.

You mentioned something painful: “I’ve been divorced for over ten years and have not been able to remarry because that’s the kind of men I meet.” There is a harsh reality in some frum dating subcultures that divorced women are assumed to be eager for attention. They are also often less socially protected. Men assume they’ll tolerate ambiguity longer. There’s also less communal urgency to secure them a match, and therefore the power dynamic shifts. Tragically, some men exploit that imbalance. That’s not just geneivas da’as; it’s taking advantage of vulnerability. If it gives you and other women any solace, please know that there are spiritual consequences for such behavior. When someone repeatedly plays with hope, they are not just harming women. They are creating a trail of tears that has spiritual weight, and Hashem does not ignore that.

Thank you for bringing this unspoken ugliness to the surface which, unfortunately, is fairly common in the world of dating for divorced people. Make no mistake: It is halachically and morally wrong to deceive others by making false promises to secure emotional access.

You wrote with a question that carries ten years of emotional exhaustion inside it. You describe men that are frum, articulate, marriage-minded on paper, who say the right words, speak about the future, let you emotionally invest, and then disappear once they’re bored or distracted by the next possibility. You describe matchmakers who keep setting them up and rabbanim who give glowing references to a revolving door of women who thought they were finally being chosen. A woman’s emotional energy is not hefker. She is not public property. The solution to this ongoing problem is not to harden your heart, but to sharpen your boundaries. What can you and other women do to make changes that will benefit you? You cannot change another person, only yourself. Therefore, learn how to detect future-faking before you’re already emotionally invested.

If within the first few dates a man says things like, “when we’re married” or “our kids will” or the most common one: “I’ve been waiting for someone like you” without discussing a timeline, that’s his dopamine talking! Another red flag is if the man bonds deeply very quickly. Long calls, vulnerability by trauma sharing, and dream building.

Future talk must be matched by present structure. More importantly, and this is something I warn every person in shidduchim regardless of age, is to investigate the individual’s dating history. Repeated near-engagements or repeated anything in previous relationships is data. Data are patterns that predict behavior. That is character, and character eventually reveals itself.

There are also men who are not necessarily looking to mislead women, but enjoy the chase, and once the mystery is gone, so goes their drive for marriage. They are still responsible for their behavior, and should seek help for it, not use innocent women.

Instead of asking yourself: “Does he say he wants to marry me?” Shift to: “What concrete actions is he taking to demonstrate his readiness for marriage?” Hope should be based on evidence, not declarations. If you’re dating a man and you feel confused, unsure of where you stand, afraid to ask questions, and relieved when you feel assured, only to keep going back and forth, that’s your nervous system on a roller coaster.

The right man will not feel threatened by clarity, which means he will make sure that you possess clarity in the relationship. Only the wrong man will call clarity “pressure.” A healthy courtship feels calm, not euphoric. Please remember that you’re not alone in this, but that does not mean that history has to keep repeating itself. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].