DATING FORUM

Question

Dear Mrs. Sebrow,

I am currently in shidduchim and I came across one of the many WhatsApp groups. I joined and paid a certain amount each month, which I was okay with, but I recently decided to move on after being on it for eight months.

Before a single person joins the group, they fill out a sign-up with their name, info, and preferred payment plan, either monthly or yearly. At the bottom there’s a checkbox that in order to join, you have to agree to pay a minimum shadchanus fee for any shidduch made through the chat.

I know WhatsApp groups can be tough and loaded with problems, but I felt that when I was using it, it was helping me to get out there since I don’t have much in the way of social media and events are hard to get into since it’s my second time around.

My question is, when I left the group, I was interested in someone whose profile I saw on the app back in September 2025. I still have her résumé from when I first tried to go out with her, but she was busy then and I have no idea if she’s busy now.

I know it’s hypothetical, but morally and halachically, if something were to come about from a WhatsApp group months later, after you’ve left and are no longer paying the monthly fee, if you do get married, would you still have to pay a shadchanus fee since you found the résumé on the app?

I plan on asking my rav because I ask him a lot of questions regarding dating, but I also wanted to hear your perspective as a shadchan.

Thank you for your time.

Response

There is an even deeper problem that needs to be confronted. The fact that a single person even fears this question is telling that something is broken. Instead of focusing on emotional readiness, compatibility, growth, and building a bayis ne’eman, they are worrying about future invoices, retroactive ownership, admin enforcement, and most importantly, digital entanglements. That is not healthy. Shidduchim should not feel like navigating subscription contracts. They should feel like navigating destiny.

How did we even get to this point? There was a time, and it wasn’t even so long ago, when I would gently (and sometimes not so gently) caution singles not to get swept up in the growing trend of résumé-based dating. I said it publicly. I said it privately. I said it in living rooms and at Shabbos tables. A résumé is a sterile document. It reduces a neshamah to bullet points: address, shul, height, schools, siblings, hashkafic labels and sublabels, etc. As if a human being can be captured in a font size. But people didn’t listen, because they felt it was efficient. It was modern, organized. And what happened next, what we have now was inevitable.

Résumés turned into spreadsheets. Spreadsheets turned into databases. Databases turned into WhatsApp groups. WhatsApp groups turned into marketplaces. And with that came something far more troubling than technology: toxicity, because when shidduchim move from living rooms or dining rooms to group chats, something subtle but dangerous happens. The warmth leaves. The achrayus blurs. Accountability becomes murky. Admins become gatekeepers. Singles become “content.” And what began as a tool quietly becomes a market that we now have with the hundreds upon hundreds of shidduch WhatsApp groups.

You described something very real: a sign-in form, payment plans, automatic agreements, and at the bottom, a checkbox that says “Shadchanus fee for any shidduch made through this chat,” including a minimum fee. That checkbox represents the entire confusion of our era. Who exactly is the admin of the group you reference? Is this a shadchan? Is this a platform? Is this a service? Is this a subscription? Or is it a business model wrapped in communal language? Let’s speak honestly and call it what it is.

Another uncomfortable truth is the power imbalance of these groups. They are often controlled by one or two administrators with complete authority. They decide who gets posted, who gets removed, who gets visibility, whose résumé is reshared, and who is quietly sidelined. There is no communal oversight or guidelines, and certainly no standards board. And when authority exists without accountability, toxicity can grow. The fact of the matter is that some admins bully other admins. Some compete over members. Some publicly shame those who “violate their rules.” And tragically, some weaponize private information. The real victims of all this hierarchy are the singles. They feel the pressure and the politics. Instead of feeling supported, they often feel like products in a digital marketplace.

You joined that group because you wanted exposure. You don’t live on social media. Events are harder the second time around (though I’m not sure why event organizers would exclude you if you fit the age target). Nevertheless, you were looking for a way to widen your dating circle. That is completely understandable. Many sincere singles have turned to these groups not because they love the format, but because they feel they have limited options.

Now to your question. You saw a résumé in September 2025 while you were a paying member. You tried once, but she was unavailable. Months later, after you left the group and stopped paying, you are considering trying again. Hypothetically, if it leads to marriage, do you owe shadchanus? Let’s separate this into three layers: halachic, moral, and practical.

From a halachic perspective, shadchanus is not just a “nice tip.” It is rooted in minhag Yisrael and in the concept of paying someone for facilitating a match. However, classic shadchanus applies when a shadchanactively introduces, suggests, follows up, mediates, or plays a meaningful role in bringing the couple together whether one-on-one via an event or other mode of introduction. Here, according to what you share, the admin did not redt the shidduch personally. They did not facilitate conversation or advocate for you, nor did they follow up. They provided access to résumés. That is not the same as being a shadchan.

If months later, independently, you pursue someone you once saw listed, and there is no ongoing involvement from the group, many poskim would question whether that constitutes a binding shadchanusobligation, especially if you are no longer a member and no active facilitation occurred. But you are wise to ask your rav, because local custom and the exact wording of what you agreed to can matter.

From a moral perspective, this is where your question becomes more nuanced. If the only reason you knew she existed was that platform, there is a concept of hakaras hatov. However, hakaras hatov does not automatically equal contractual shadchanus. There is a difference between: “I owe you because you made this happen,” and “I appreciate that this platform once exposed me to information.” Look at it this way: If a couple meets at a wedding and later marries, we don’t pay the caterer. If someone sees an ad in a newspaper and later pursues it independently, we don’t pay the publisher. Exposure is not the same as matchmaking. However, if you felt genuinely that the group’s infrastructure directly caused the relationship to unfold, a voluntary gesture of appreciation could be appropriate. But that is very different from being halachically obligated to a minimum fee months after leaving a group.

Here’s a deeper issue from a practical perspective. Many of these WhatsApp structures blur lines intentionally. They operate like businesses but cloak themselves in communal language. A checkbox at the bottom of a form does not automatically override halachic definitions of what constitutes shadchanus. If the agreement was simply, “Any shidduch made through this chat,” the phrase “through this chat” is not just vague; it’s very unclear. What does that mean, exactly? Through active involvement? Through introduction? Through direct facilitation? Or simply through exposure? This is precisely what has made the WhatsApp shidduch culture so complicated. It removes the relational element and replaces it with terms and conditions. Let me also say this openly. Your integrity in even asking this question speaks volumes about you. Many would simply move forward and say nothing. You are thinking about yashrus and derech eretz. That matters.

Now, from a shadchan’s perspective: A real shadchan invests time, intuition, emotional energy, follow-up calls, encouragement, and sometimes hours of quiet mediation between two nervous people. When that results in marriage, the shadchan earned their fee, not as a gift, but as compensation for genuine work. A database does not do that. A group chat does not do that. A résumé warehouse does not do that. A digital bulletin board does not do that.

If this young woman becomes relevant now, and you pursue her independently, and no admin is involved, and no one is facilitating, it is difficult to classify that as classic shadchanus. Still, speak to your rav. Bring him the exact wording. And one more thought. If something beautiful were to come of it, and you felt in your heart that this platform was part of the journey, you could always choose to give tzedakah in that amount. Not because you were cornered. But because you wanted your story to begin with generosity rather than dispute. There is something powerful about starting a bayis with clarity. But do not allow fear-based clauses to control you months after you’ve left.

The larger lesson here is this: We moved too quickly into résumé culture, trading nuance for convenience. We replaced relationships with lists. And now singles are navigating legal fine print in what used to be a sacred and personal process. Shidduchim were never meant to feel like a subscription service. They were meant to feel like human beings caring about other human beings. I hope this gives you framework as you speak to your rav. And more importantly, I hope that whether through a group, a shadchan, or hashgachah pratis in the most unexpected way, you will soon find someone who sees far beyond a résumé. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].