DATING FORUM

Question

I am a 48-year-old widower and have been dating for a little over a year. It seems that in our community, it is very difficult to get to a first or second date without providing references to the prospective date. Since these references play such a pivotal role in our community growth, I think it’s very important that they understand what’s being asked of them and what info is necessary to provide that would be helpful for the individual making a decision of whether or not to date this person. I feel that many of these references are (naively or otherwise) killing a prospective match with just simple (but undermining) comments. If I were to start an education campaign on the subject, how would I go about doing this?

I know this is a very loaded subject, but I cannot think of a simple way to ask my question. What role should a reference play in the process and what type of information should they provide to the prospective date early in the process that would be helpful? Also, how should they properly answer pointed questions?

I believe “references” are adding to the shidduch crisis and there needs to be a community-wide campaign geared to proper responses. Also, does it make a difference in the ages of the matches and if it’s the first or second time around (with or without kids)? I feel that part of the education is to ensure the references feel that they are not doing anything against halachah with how they reply.

Response

In the Orthodox Jewish community, references have become one of the most pivotal gateways to beginning a shidduch. Very often, before two people even meet, they contact references to provide insight into the prospective candidate. Originally, references were meant to help people make thoughtful, informed decisions. In practice, however, the system has evolved in ways that can sometimes unintentionally harm the process. A single casual comment, an imprecise answer, or an overly cautious remark can quickly scuttle a potential match before the two individuals have the chance to meet.

This raises an important question: What role should references play in the shidduch process? And, how can our community ensure that references are responding appropriately? If we want the shidduch system to function in a healthy and productive way, there has to be a broader effort to educate the community about the responsibility of serving as a reference and how that responsibility can be unintentionally misused.

Frum people naturally rely on social networks to gain insight into potential matches. Parents, friends, rabbanim, teachers, and acquaintances are often asked to provide information about a person’s character, values, temperament, and lifestyle. When done properly, references can be extremely valuable. They can provide reassurance about a person’s integrity and character, offer context about personality and compatibility, clarify lifestyle expectations and hashkafic outlook, all with the intention of preventing serious mismatches. However, when references are asked to provide detailed opinions about someone they barely know, or when they answer questions carelessly, the results can be damaging.

A shidduch can be scuttled because of a poorly-worded sentence or an offhand comment that was never meant to carry such weight. Being listed as a reference should not be taken lightly. A reference is not simply someone who answers a few questions on the phone. They are, in effect, helping to shape the first impression someone receives of another person. That influence carries responsibility.

Before agreeing to serve as a reference, a person should ask themselves three basic questions: Do I know this person well enough to answer responsibly? Can I speak honestly while also being fair and constructive? Am I comfortable answering questions in a way that aligns with both ethical and halachic considerations? If the answer to these questions is no, then it is perfectly appropriate to say: “I don’t know them well enough to give you meaningful information, but I’d be happy to suggest someone who might.” That alone can prevent significant misunderstandings.

One of the reasons many people feel uncomfortable serving as references is the concern of lashon ha’ra.Halachah does allow sharing relevant information when it is necessary to prevent harm (l’toeles) and help someone make an important life decision. However, several important principles apply. Information shared should be relevant to the question, accurate, and firsthand, not rumor, hearsay, or speculation. It should be balanced and fair, presented constructively, not negatively. A reference should not feel pressured to speculate, exaggerate, or repeat gossip. When uncertain, it is appropriate to say: “I don’t have firsthand knowledge about that.”

At the early stages of a potential shidduch, the goal for the one speaking to references is not to conduct an exhaustive investigation. Instead, questions should focus on broad, meaningful indicators of compatibility. Helpful topics include character and middos. Is the person generally kind, respectful, and emotionally stable? Does the person have an outgoing or reserved personality? Easygoing or structured? What does their daily life look like in terms of religious observance, social environment, and priorities? How do they handle stress, disagreement, or responsibility? Do they tend to maintain healthy friendships and family relationships? These types of insights can help a prospective match understand whether the two individuals might connect.

Some questions frequently asked during reference calls are extremely difficult to answer responsibly. Examples include: “Are they marriage material?” Or “Why are they still single?” These questions often invite speculation rather than meaningful information.

In today’s environment, where decisions are sometimes made very quickly, a single poorly phrased comment can carry enormous weight. For example: “He’s a bit quiet.” “She can be particular.” “He/she is very independent.” “She is high maintenance” (if she dresses nicely). These statements may be neutral observations, but they can easily be interpreted negatively depending on the listener, and can make the difference between opening the door to a shidduch or closing it.

In younger singles, references often focus more on background, family, and general character. For individuals who are older, divorced, or widowed, the focus should shift toward maturity, life experience, and parenting responsibilities. When children are involved, references should be particularly careful to maintain sensitivity and privacy. The goal is not to scrutinize someone’s past but to help determine whether two people might realistically build a future together.

I believe that this increasingly intensive “reference culture” is contributing to the broader shidduchchallenge. When too much emphasis is placed on background checks before a simple first meeting, people are losing valuable opportunities to meet potential dates. Which is why I suggest that people meet earlier in the process and allow for the reference stage to provide context rather than gatekeeping. Often, two people can determine compatibility from a single conversation than from hours of reference calls.

Because references play such an influential role in the shidduch process, there is tremendous value in educating the community about how to approach these conversations responsibly. I feel that there should be community lectures or workshops, guidance from rabbanim about the halachic framework, with sample responses to common questions, and encouragement to answer only within one’s knowledge. The goal would not be to eliminate references, but to restore their intended purpose of providing helpful perspective rather than acting as a barrier. The shidduch process is ultimately about helping two people build a home together. References should see themselves as supportive participants in that process. Their role is to provide honest, thoughtful insight while preserving dignity, fairness, and compassion. With greater awareness and responsibility, references can help ensure that the process opens doors rather than closes them. Sometimes, the greatest gift a reference can give is a simple, “From what I know, I think it’s worth pursuing. Because, in many cases, that’s all it takes for a meaningful future to begin.

A recent situation that took place highlights how easily misunderstandings can develop in the shidduch process—and how careful we must be with assumptions and accusations. Recently, a single man confronted a shadchan with a serious claim. He accused the matchmaker of lying and telling others that he had been previously engaged, and that the engagement was broken off. The accusation was deeply upsetting to the shadchan, who insisted she had never said such a thing and had no knowledge of any prior broken engagement. The only information the shadchan ever heard directly from the individual is that he had once been in a serious relationship that ended. Like many people trying to navigate the complexities of dating, she had simply understood that there had been a meaningful relationship in the past, nothing more. Yet the accusation lingered, and the shadchan was troubled by the idea that she was being blamed for spreading a rumor she had never heard, let alone repeated.

Then something unexpected happened. Almost immediately afterward—literally the next day—information came to the shadchan through a completely unrelated source. Someone mentioned that years earlier, the same gentleman had invited a significant other to spend Shabbos in his community. Out of respect for community standards, the guest slept at a neighbor’s house, but the two attended shul together and spent much of that Shabbos in each other’s company. To casual observers, the couple looked very much like a newly engaged couple. Naturally, many in the community assumed they were engaged. If a rumor about a “broken engagement” existed anywhere, it likely originated from those earlier community assumptions, long before the shadchan had ever met the individual involved. The shadchan herself had played no role in creating or spreading the rumor.

There are several important lessons in this story. First, perceptions in a community can easily become “facts” in people’s minds, even when no formal engagement has occurred. Second, rumors often have complicated origins. What appears to be the fault of one person may actually stem from assumptions made years earlier by entirely different people. Third, and perhaps most importantly, this story reminds us how careful we must be when accusing others of spreading information. In close-knit communities, reputations matter deeply. A careless accusation can cause real pain to someone who was acting with good intentions. Finally, it highlights something broader about the shidduch process itself: information moves quickly, interpretations vary, and misunderstandings are common. Sometimes what appears to be a rumor is actually a misunderstanding. Sometimes, what seems like certainty began as nothing more than an assumption. And sometimes, as the saying goes, truth has a way of revealing itself in unexpected ways.

Stories like this are not rare. They illustrate how easily assumptions, partial information, and misunderstandings can travel and take on a life of their own. When references, acquaintances, or even casual observers share information without the full context, what begins as an innocent observation can evolve into something entirely different. By the time it reaches a prospective shidduch, it may sound like a confirmed fact rather than a misunderstanding. This places an enormous responsibility on everyone involved in the process: friends, neighbors, and especially shadchanim.

A reference call should never become an opportunity to speculate, repeat hearsay, or interpret events that we did not personally witness or fully understand. Even well-meaning comments can unintentionally shape perceptions in ways that affect real people and real futures. The above story also reminds us of another important point: before we assume someone is responsible for spreading information, we must recognize that community perceptions begin long before any reference call takes place. In a close-knit community, impressions are formed in many subtle ways, through observation, conversation, and assumptions. Those impressions can follow a person for years, even when the underlying facts are far more nuanced. That is precisely why thoughtful education around the role of references is so important.

The goal of the shidduch process is not investigation: it is connection. When references approach their role with care, humility, and responsibility, they do something powerful: they help ensure that the system serves its true purpose, helping two people build a future together with dignity and respect. And perhaps the most valuable contribution a reference can make is not a detailed analysis, but something far simpler and wiser: “From what I know, I believe it’s worth giving them the opportunity to meet.” Because sometimes, that opportunity is exactly where the story truly begins. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].