DATING FORUM

Question

I lost a bet and had to go to a singles event against my will. It was the worst experience of my life. My friends and I are all in our twenties and professionals. We don’t go to events. We would never be part of any of those shidduch WhatsApp groups or dating websites, and we won’t get dates from matchmakers. We don’t need any of that, and we get plenty of dates. But that’s not why I’m writing to you. I’m writing to tell you that no decent guy would ever attend a singles event.

So, back to my story about the “lost bet” and why I ended up at a singles event. The girls there were awful and rude, in my opinion. They acted like they’re “all that” (generally, conceited, arrogant, and self-important). This was not just my experience; all of the guys there agreed with me on this point. It’s okay if a girl does not wish to go out with a guy she met at an event, but some of them were just mean to the guys. I don’t want to tell you which high schools and seminaries these girls went to except to say that they were very frumand this is the reason why guys would sometimes rather date non-Orthodox girls.

In case you’re wondering, before I left, I went over to the group of matchmakers that organized the event to let them know how I felt. One of them offered to set me up (no thanks!). I had to get this off my chest and let you know why no decent guy (in my opinion) goes to these singles events.

Response

I appreciate you taking the time to write and honestly share your experience. It takes a certain amount of humility to admit you went to an event you would not normally attend, especially because you lost a bet. So, first off, thank you for sharing your perspective. That said, I would like to address a few things because no single experience, especially one you went into reluctantly, can possibly tell the whole story.

When people walk into a singles event with the expectation that it’s going to be terrible, they often end up noticing only the aspects that confirm that expectation (confirmation bias). Everyone in the room is nervous, guarded, and sometimes that could come off as awkward or socially inappropriate. That includes both the men and the women. What can come across as “rude” or “cold” is often just discomfort, insecurity, or someone trying to protect themselves in an unfamiliar setting.

It’s also important to remember that young ladies at a singles event are taking a risk, just like the guys are. Many of them probably felt just as uncomfortable walking into a room full of strangers knowing that others were evaluating them as potential dates. When people feel judged and evaluated or just “on display,” they sometimes put up a wall of protection. That wall can look like attitude, but it’s often just self-protection. To be fair, sometimes people can be mean when they’ve already decided someone isn’t for them. That happens everywhere, not just at dating events. But it’s worth understanding that it’s usually less about arrogance and more about immaturity or discomfort. For example, I’ve heard stories like a girl may glance at a guy’s name tag, decide he’s not for her, and suddenly becomes fascinated with her phone. Or someone gives one-word answers while scanning the room for someone else they think might be “better.” Another situation can occur when two friends stand together whispering and giggling while guys walk by, which can feel incredibly dismissive even if they don’t intend it that way. A very common scenario is someone cutting a conversation short with “Nice meeting you” after 30 seconds because they’ve already decided the person is not for them. Or the classic polite smile combined with body language that clearly states “Please, let’s end this conversation as quickly as possible.” None of these behaviors are particularly gracious and kind. And yes, when a few people behave that way, it can create the feeling that everyone is acting like they’re “all that.”

But here’s the part that’s easy to miss: the same thing happens on the other side too. Plenty of young ladies walk away from singles events feeling the same way about the guys. Examples of complaints I heard include:

• “The guy looked at my name tag and immediately asked what seminary I went to. When it wasn’t the one he liked, he basically ‘checked out.’”
• “A guy spent the entire conversation looking over my shoulder to see who else walked in.”
• “Someone asked my age and when I answered, his entire face changed.”
• “A guy talked about himself for five minutes and didn’t ask me a single question.”

When people feel like they’re in a marketplace environment, they sometimes behave in ways they would never behave normally.

Another factor that often gets overlooked is nerves. Believe it or not, some of the girls who appear the most aloof or dismissive are actually the most uncomfortable. When someone doesn’t know what to say or worries about giving the wrong impression, they sometimes shut down socially. Unfortunately, that can come across as coldness or aloofness. And then there’s the simple reality that attraction is complicated. When someone knows within a few seconds that the match isn’t right, they may try to end the interaction quickly. Some people can do that gracefully, while others do that awkwardly. But one difficult evening does not and cannot define an entire group of people.

You mentioned that all the guys agreed with you. When a group of people bond over a negative experience, it creates an echo chamber where the frustration feeds itself. But it doesn’t necessarily reflect the experience of everyone at the event. I’ve heard from many people—men and women—who have attended events like this and met wonderful people, even if it didn’t lead to marriage. I’m referring to people who went to the singles event for the first time.

Another thing that stood out to me was your statement about why “guys would rather date non-Orthodox girls.” That kind of conclusion, especially when it comes from one frustrating evening, is unfair to the many thoughtful, kind, and sincere women in the frum community who are genuinely trying to meet someone in a meaningful way. Just like you don’t want to be judged based on one moment or one setting, it’s important not to judge others the same way.

You also mentioned that you and your friends don’t usually go to events, don’t join singles groups, and don’t use matchmakers. That’s completely fine; everyone has their own way of meeting people. But the truth is that for many people, those avenues are the way they can meet someone within their own hashkafa. Not everyone has a large social network or natural ways to meet new people, so events, groups, and matchmakers become the only practical way to meet someone.

The people who organize these events—often volunteers—put in enormous amounts of time and emotional energy to help others. They don’t do it because it’s glamorous. They do it because they genuinely care about helping people get married. So even if the event wasn’t for you, it’s worth recognizing that the intention behind it is something positive. And the truth is, the people organizing these events are usually not doing it for themselves or family members either. They’re trying to create opportunities because they see how many good people are struggling to meet the right person.

Also, something interesting happens at singles events that people don’t talk about: the perception of the room is often wildly different depending on who you ask. One guy might walk out saying, “The girls were rude and stuck up.” One girl might walk out saying, “The guys were arrogant and not interested.” Meanwhile two people who quietly had a normal conversation are exchanging numbers and wondering why everyone else seemed so miserable. Yes, sometimes people behave badly, but it is not gender specific. Sometimes girls are dismissive. Sometimes guys are dismissive. Sometimes people walk in with unrealistic expectations of what they’re going to find. But it’s probably not accurate to conclude from one evening that “no decent guy would ever attend a singles event.” In reality, plenty of decent guys do attend them, often because they’re sincerely trying to build a future and are willing to step outside their comfort zone to do it. In fact, the irony is that some of the nicest and most genuine people at these events are the ones who feel the most awkward being there.

I’m sorry your experience was so unpleasant. Truly. No one likes to feel dismissed or disrespected. But I would encourage you to consider that what you saw and experienced might have been a moment of nerves, miscommunication, or mismatched expectations rather than a reflection of the character of all the young ladies who were there.

You said the girls were rude and acted like they were “all that.” I won’t pretend that never happens. Sometimes people do behave badly when they’ve already decided someone isn’t for them. Another thing worth remembering is that what sometimes looks like arrogance is actually just nervousness in disguise. When people feel uncomfortable, they often overcompensate in strange ways. Some people become overly talkative. Others shut down completely. Some try to look confident, and it comes out as “attitude.”

Sometimes the hardest environments are the ones where everyone secretly hopes something good will happen—but is afraid to show it. Even though the event wasn’t your scene, I hope the frustration of one evening doesn’t harden your outlook on an entire group of people or the idea that sincere individuals are trying, in their own imperfect ways, to meet someone special. And who knows, sometimes the very experiences we least expect end up teaching us something valuable about people, humility, and how difficult the dating world can be for everyone involved. And for what it’s worth, many of the nicest, most genuine people at these events are the ones who feel the most uncomfortable being there. They’re not the loudest people in the room. They’re usually the ones quietly trying to have a normal conversation in a very unnatural setting.

Dating today is not easy for anyone. Men feel judged. Women feel judged. Everyone feels like they’re being evaluated within thirty seconds. So yes, maybe that particular evening wasn’t your scene. Losing a bet probably didn’t help the mood either. But I wouldn’t write off an entire room—or an entire community of people—based on one awkward night filled with strangers who were probably just as nervous and unsure as you were. Sometimes the story that begins with an awkward hello ends with a lifetime together, because somewhere in that awkward room are two people who will one day say, “Can you believe that’s where we met?” 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].