Dating Forum

Question

My son was redt to a girl who davens in my shul. At first, I was happy with a local shidduch. He had a few bad experiences with girls who are from far away or from out of town. Also, there’s no way to find out things about a girl that’s not from the same community until the shidduch becomes serious and even then, you can’t know everything. This girl and her family are known to be chashuv.

Last Shabbos in shul I made sure to sit where I could see her. They still haven’t gone out yet and after what I saw, I’m not so sure my son should agree to go out with her. She was chewing gum the entire time in shul, even while she was davening. I have never seen anything like it. I asked someone about it, and I was told she’s a gum chewer. But in shul? In the middle of davening? It bothers me and I feel like it says something about her middos.

What’s your opinion about it? My son is very respectful, and I know that he would be embarrassed if his wife did that. So, I asked him what he thought about what I saw her doing in shul and he was turned off. I don’t want to put ideas in his head. We read your column every week and we agree with the advice you give to people. Now we’re asking you for your advice.

Response

I’m going to answer you honestly because this is exactly the kind of moment where a small detail can quietly become a big mistake. What you saw is not what someone told you. It was real and it bothered you for a reason. Chewing gum in shul, especially during davening, isn’t the norm in most communities, and for many people it does signal something about awareness, sensitivity to surroundings, or how a person relates to kedushah. So, your reaction to what you witnessed isn’t uncommon nor is it petty.

But here’s the part that matters more. You are about to make a potentially life-altering decision based on a single observed behavior before your son has even met her. That’s where this can go wrong. There are a few possibilities you have to consider. She may genuinely not realize how it comes across. It could be a nervous habit, not a value statement. It’s possible that in her home or upbringing, this may not have been emphasized. Or it could reflect something about her level of refinement or awareness. Right now, you simply don’t know which one it is. However, one of the key principles in shidduchim is you don’t marry a habit—you marry a person.

A first date is not a commitment. It’s a data point. Right now, you have half a data point. What concerns me more is this line: “I asked my son what he thought…and he was turned off.” You’re perceptive enough to say you don’t want to put ideas in his head—but in reality, that already happened. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong; it just means we now have to be careful not to let your initial impression harden into a closed door.

Let’s bring this down to a practical level. If everything else checks out—family, reputation, general middos—this is too small and too ambiguous to cancel a shidduch. I think you should advise your son to go out once—with a clean slate. Tell him (gently and honestly) that you may have overfocused on something small, and to go and meet her and form his own impression.

What he should actually look for on the date is if she shows respect in how she speaks. Is she thoughtful, kind, and self-aware? Or more importantly, does she carry herself with basic refinement? If the gum-chewing reflects a broader pattern, it will show up in other ways. If it doesn’t, he will know that too.

I can’t let your description of the young lady’s family as “chashuv” be disregarded. Quite frankly, that does not sit well with me. Coming from an esteemed family, or one with big yichus is a nice data point, not a guarantee of personal behavior. People are individuals. Please bear that in mind, whether it’s this shidduch or another shidduch suggestion.

Back to the young lady, you need to think about long-term compatibility, not one Shabbos glimpse. Your son expressed embarrassment at having a wife who chews gum in shul matters, but it should be based on who she is, not one moment you witnessed from across the room. Let me say it sharply because you seem to appreciate clarity. If you say no over this, there’s a real chance you are passing on a potentially wonderful young lady over something that could be minor, or even meaningless. On the flip side, if it truly reflects something deeper, one or two dates will reveal that very quickly. So don’t decide now. You don’t yet have enough information to make a wise decision.

I will advise you on how your son can approach the first date, so he quietly assesses this without it becoming awkward or judgmental. The goal is for your son to observe her without judging too quickly, and to come away with clarity—not confusion.

He can approach the first date in a natural, respectful way by going in with a reset mindset. Before the date, he should tell himself, “I’m meeting a person, not evaluating a piece of information my mother saw.” That sounds simple, but it’s everything. If he walks in already “turned off,” he’ll unconsciously look for confirmation. What should he quietly pay attention to without making it obvious? He shouldn’t be watching for gum. He should be watching for patterns of behavior, of self-awareness, being tuned in to her surroundings, how she treats waitstaff (if applicable), conversation flow, and her general tone of voice and refinement. The way she speaks, laughs, and reacts needs to feel appropriate and respectful to the situation. This is not about perfection; nobody is perfect and one should never seek that in their date. But it’s about self-presentation and carrying oneself with a certain dignity. As they converse, an important consideration is if she asks about his life, listens to him talk, or is one-sided. If the gum-chewing reflects something deeper, it will show up here.

If she does chew gum on the date, this is the moment of truth, but it should be handled internally, not verbally. He should ask himself if it is constant and distracting, and if it feels out of place for the setting of the date. It might be that he may not care when he’s on a date because there’s a big difference between a strong, off-putting habit versus something minor he barely notices after ten minutes. He should most certainly not mention it on the date or ask her to stop, and he should just act mature and not make a face or react. A date is about gathering information, not fixing anything.

After the date, instead of asking him about the gum, guide him to ask himself if he felt comfortable with her and if there was mutual respect. Could he see himself being proud to be with her? And was there anything there that genuinely bothered him? If he says that everything was nice, but it bothered him the whole time then it’s real and it matters. If it doesn’t bother him, then you have your answer in the other direction.

After the date, try to listen more than guide. Please don’t start off by asking him, “So… did she chew gum again?” You’d be steering him right back into it. Focus on how he felt being with her. In shidduchim, people sometimes reject someone over things that feel symbolic. For example, “this means she’s not refined,” or “this says something about her values.” Sometimes that’s true. And sometimes it’s just…gum. The only way to know where he stands is to let your son meet her as a whole person.

I will conclude by giving you some good motherly advice. Your job is not to pre-screen a young lady for perfection, but to allow your child to discover reality by thinking for himself. In other words, you need to step back and let your son have an unfiltered experience in dating. Some of the best shidduchim are lost not because of red flags, but because of overinterpretation by well-meaning parents. Remember: You’re not choosing a daughter-in-law. He’s choosing a wife. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].