DATING FORUM
Question
I’m writing about a friend of mine and I desperately need advice on how to help her. Her mother won’t let her get married. Each time she gets into a relationship with a guy, her mother ruins it for her. Not just because the mother tells her to break up with him and tells her stories about him to make her break up with him, but also because she calls the guy’s family and makes up stories about her own daughter!
For example, she once told a family that her daughter was a “gold digger,” and she only wanted their son for his money. It’s not true. And she told another family that her daughter had “mental issues.” That’s also not true.
I feel bad for my friend, but I don’t know how to help her. Most people have never heard about something like this, and if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I also would disbelieve that such a thing could happen. She doesn’t know that I’m asking you for advice and I won’t tell her until I see your answer. What do you think I can do to help my friend?
Response
I need to preface my response by saying that advice columnists do not necessarily always get the full picture of a dilemma, particularly when the letter addressing the circumstances is conveyed by a third party. There could be more going on behind the scenes and much information that you’re not privy to, regardless of how close your relationship is with your friend. Please bear that in mind.
I’m responding to your letter based on what you are telling me about her troubles. What you’re describing to me sounds extremely sad, yet it’s not unheard of. That you recognize how wrong it is already makes you an important lifeline to your friend.
Most parents pray for the day when they can walk their child to the chuppah. Parents can sometimes be overzealous in protecting their child from what they suspect might not be a good match for them, a situation that can cause them long-term marital unhappiness. However, such interference typically does not come from a bad mindset. Meaning, their heart is selflessly in the right place, and they truly believe their actions are for the benefit of their child.
There are cases when a parent insists on a particular type of shidduch and will sabotage anything that veers from what they want or their community expects. I have seen that happen too many times and it is heartbreaking. There are also a small percentage of situations like the one you are describing and that is truly beyond heartrending.
When a parent repeatedly sabotages an adult child’s relationships, especially through lies and interference, it stops being overprotective and crosses into more serious matters, like boundary violations and emotional harm. Your instincts to help your friend are true, but the most important thing to understand is that she is the only one who can solve this problem. She has to recognize what’s happening and decide to act. The only thing you can do is support her in seeing the situation clearly and help her build the strength and vision in how to respond.
A mother calling potential in-laws and fabricating damaging stories about her own daughter is not just meddling, it’s a form of sabotage. Whether it’s driven by control, fear of losing her daughter, jealousy, or deeper psychological issues, the result is the same. Your friend’s independence is being actively undermined. And here’s the hard truth. If your friend does not set boundaries, this will continue, no matter how many relationships she tries.
What your friend needs to understand (and what is likely difficult for her to accept) is that she is an adult and she has the right to build her own life, which includes marriage without her mother’s interference. Even from a halachic standpoint, she is allowed to disregard her mother’s feelings (respectfully) in order to get married. Her mother’s behavior is not normal, and it is not something she should tolerate. Ignoring the problem or hoping it will stop on its own is not enough. It’s already a pattern.
The question is whether she is looking to get help or wants to vent to you. If she refuses to change anything, your hands are tied, and the best advice you can give her is to seek therapeutic intervention. But if she seriously wants advice on how to deal with her mother, there are some practical steps she can take. For starters, she can limit information flow. If her mother is getting details about the guys she’s dating, she’s using that access as a weapon. Your friend may need to stop sharing names, families, or any identifying details until a relationship is more established—or until she has safeguards in place. Privacy is no longer optional. It’s protection.
She can address it directly (if safe to do so) by telling her mother, “If you contact people I’m dating or their families again, I will no longer share anything about my personal life with you.” She might need to do that with assistance from a family rav or someone in a leadership position whom the family respects. The fact is that at some point, this behavior needs to be confronted firmly, not emotionally, not in a fight, but in a boundary-setting conversation. The key is that your friend must follow through with her actions if her mother breaks her boundaries. Otherwise, her boundary-setting was just a “request.”
If that doesn’t work, she may need to warn potential partners early. Though this may make her feel uncomfortable, transparency can prevent damage. A simple, calm explanation like: “I need to tell you something difficult—my mother has a pattern of interfering and saying things that aren’t true. If you ever hear something concerning, please come to me directly.” A mature, serious partner will respect that honesty.
In a situation where a dating relationship progresses, your friend or a trusted family member or rabbi can preemptively communicate with the other side before her mother has the chance to interfere.
If your friend is still emotionally, financially, or logistically dependent on her mother, it makes boundary-setting much harder. Strengthening her independence with housing, finances, and a strong support system will give her the leverage she needs. This kind of toxic family dynamic can be deeply ingrained and emotionally complex. A therapist or counselor can also help your friend process what’s happening and build the confidence to set and maintain boundaries.
Your friend is very lucky to have you in her life. However, your role is not to “fix” this, but you can be incredibly impactful in other ways. Validate her reality when it starts to feel unreal to her. She may feel like no one believes her because the situation is so unusual. Simply saying, “I believe you, and this is not okay,” is powerful. Gently reflect patterns to help her see that each relationship that her mother ruins isn’t isolated. Rather it’s a repeated cycle. Encourage strength, not avoidance, but to rise and meet her challenges. Don’t reinforce coping strategies like hiding or hoping. Encourage action and boundaries.
There is something else too that your friend may need to accept: love from a parent does not always come in a healthy form. When love becomes controlling, it does not become less damaging simply because it comes from a mother.
Your friend is not powerless here. But stepping into that power will feel uncomfortable, maybe even frightening at first, because it requires going against a dynamic that has existed for years. Still, there is a path forward. Many people have had to redefine their relationships with their parents in order to build their own lives. It’s not easy, but it is possible. And sometimes, the first step isn’t a dramatic confrontation. Sometimes it’s a quiet internal shift: “This cannot continue. And I am allowed to change it.” If you can help your friend reach this point, everything else can begin to follow.
This is going to be the best piece of advice: Stay neutral but honest. Avoid attacking her mother by calling her names or saying bad things when your friend complains about her. Even in toxic family relationships, blood is still thicker than water. If you disparage her mother, not only would she likely take offense; she may even run back to her mother telling her that you spoke badly about her. If that happens, you can be sure that you will immediately be cut out of your friend’s life. Which is why I caution you to focus only on the mother’s behavior and its impact.
What your friend is dealing with is painful on two levels. Not only is her path to marriage being disrupted, but the person causing the harm is supposed to love, protect, and support her. That creates confusion, guilt, and hesitation—and that’s exactly what allows the pattern to continue. The shift will come when your friend fully accepts that love does not justify control. And being someone’s daughter does not mean you must surrender your future. If she can begin to act from that place—with support from people like you—there is absolutely a path forward for her.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
