DATING FORUM
Question
I’ve been dating a guy I met at my married friends’ house while at a Shabbos lunch. It was clear from the beginning that he’s very Zionistic. For example, he wears a kippah srugah, leather sandals, and he has a casual way about him. He is an American, but from the way he looks and talks, you’d think he was a sabra from a yishuv. He even sounds Israeli when he talks!
From the beginning, I knew about his plans to make aliyah, and from everything he says and does, he really does belong there. I gave him the impression that I would move there too. Our dates got very serious and we are now talking about marriage, and he thinks I’ll move immediately to Israel. He absolutely does not want to raise children here and he won’t even get an apartment here in the U.S. for a little while. He wants us to start off married life in Israel. I’m not emotionally ready to do that, to leave my whole life behind. If I tell him the truth, it’s going to be a deal breaker. I don’t want to lose him. Is there a way to fix this? Is there something I can say to convince him to stay here for a while?
Response
There’s a strategic mistake people make in situations like this. They focus on how to keep the person, instead of asking what kind of life this relationship is actually leading to. Right now, your fear of losing him is loud. That’s natural. But fear has a way of shrinking your perspective. It makes a long-term, life-defining decision feel like a short-term emotional negotiation. Marriage isn’t just about compatibility in personality or chemistry. It’s about alignment in direction. Where you live, how you build a home, where you raise children—these are not side details. They are the structure of life itself. If those aren’t aligned, the relationship doesn’t break later because of small issues, it strains under the weight of a foundational mismatch.
You’re now standing at a very real crossroads, and the tension you’re feeling isn’t a small technicality. It goes to the core of identity, values, and the kind of life each of you is trying to build. At the heart of this situation is not just geography. It’s vision.
From everything you’ve described, this man isn’t simply open to living in Israel—he’s oriented toward it. His lifestyle, his mindset, even the way he presents himself all point to someone who already sees his future there. For him, aliyah isn’t a future possibility; it’s a present direction. And just as importantly, he has tied that vision to marriage and family from day one. In his mind, building a home means building it there. You knew all that.
What makes this situation complicated, and quite frankly unfair, is that you didn’t challenge that assumption early on. You went along with the idea, maybe because in the excitement of meeting someone you were interested in, you were open to making aliyah at the time. Maybe it was because you didn’t want to lose momentum. It’s also possible because you weren’t yet sure how you felt about him, or how serious he was about imminently making aliyah. You likely got caught up in the frenzy of excitement. That’s human. But now the relationship has deepened and what was once an abstract idea has become an expectation. And now you’re facing the real question of can this situation be fixed? The honest answer is—probably not in the way you’re hoping.
Trying to convince him to stay in the U.S. “for a while” isn’t just negotiating logistics; it’s asking him to delay or water down something that seems central to who he is. People can compromise on timing, but only when both sides see flexibility as the sensible thing to do. From what you’ve said, he categorically doesn’t see it that way. He doesn’t want to raise children here. He doesn’t want to start married life here. That’s not a mild preference, that’s a boundary.
There’s also a subtle but critical distinction between compromise and quiet self-abandonment. Compromise sounds noble. But when someone agrees to something that they know they’re not emotionally equipped for, it doesn’t become noble later—it becomes heavy. People often believe, “I’ll grow into it.” Sometimes that’s true. But when the starting point is internal resistance and fear, growth doesn’t feel like expansion; it feels like pressure. That pressure doesn’t disappear after the wedding. It shows up in unexpected ways, such as resentment, longing for the life they gave up too quickly, and feeling trapped instead of rooted. That’s not a strong foundation for a new marriage. So, the issue isn’t finding the perfect wording to persuade him. The issue is that the two of you may be working toward different versions of the same future. And that brings us to the harder—but necessary—part: honesty.
Right now, there’s a gap between what he believes about you and what’s actually true. He thinks you’re ready to move immediately. You know you’re not. The longer that gap stays unspoken, the more painful the eventual collision will be. Not just because it could end the relationship, but because it would feel to him like the ground shifted underneath him. Imagine how he would feel when he finds out the truth. From his point of view, it could easily come across that this relationship was built on a lie. During conversations on your dates, from the way it appears, you surely gave the impression that you were both on the same page regarding his vision of living in Israel. I imagine that you acted just as excited as he did when talking about the future that did not include living in the U.S. That does not mean you’ve deliberately done something wrong. As I said, you got caught up, and it means that you’re now at the point where clarity matters more than comfort.
If you want any chance of preserving this relationship, it won’t come from persuading him, it will come from being real with him and seeing whether there’s any shared space to work with. You might want to try a grounded approach that includes saying that you need to be honest about something that you’ve struggled to say because you care about him and don’t want to lose what you’ve been building. You might want to say: “When we first started dating, I thought I could see myself making aliyah right away. But as things have gotten more real, I’m realizing that I’m not emotionally ready to leave my entire life immediately. That doesn’t mean I’m against it, it just means that I need a different timeline. I understand how important this is to you, and I’m not asking you to give it up. I just need to know if there’s any room for us to find a path that works for both of us.” Watch his expression as you talk to him. If he stops looking at you and gets angry, stop talking, because at that point he will have stopped hearing anything else you have to say.
If he gives you the courtesy of a conversation, you must bear in mind that opening up to him with that kind of honesty can possibly work by concentrating on a few important things. You must take responsibility without self-blame. It’s okay to admit you made a mistake without putting yourself down. At the same time, you need to respect his vision instead of trying to dismantle it. That could all possibly open the door to a real conversation instead of a hidden negotiation. Now, will this strategy keep the relationship intact? Maybe. But only if there’s actual flexibility on his side—and you should be prepared for the possibility that there isn’t.
And this is the part that’s going to be hard to hear but important for me to articulate. If this is a dealbreaker for him, then the relationship isn’t being lost because you spoke up; it was always built on an assumption that couldn’t hold. There’s also a deeper question worth asking yourself. If the only way to keep him is to reshape your life in a way that you’re not ready for, what happens after the wedding? That pressure doesn’t disappear—it intensifies. Resentment has a way of showing up later, especially when big life decisions are rushed to avoid loss.
Please never lose sight that you’re not choosing between “keeping him” and “losing him.” You’re choosing between a relationship that’s aligned with who you actually are right now and one that requires you to override something significant inside yourself. Those aren’t equal options.
If there’s a path forward, it will come from mutual willingness, not persuasion. Maybe that looks like a defined timeline. Maybe visits, gradual transition, or a reevaluation after a year. But that only works if he genuinely sees that as viable, not if he feels convinced into it. So no, there isn’t a clean way to “fix” this without risk. But there’s a way to handle it with integrity, one that gives the relationship its only real chance of surviving in a healthy way. And if it doesn’t survive, it won’t be because you said the wrong thing. It’ll be because the truth revealed something that was already there.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].
