DATING FORUM

Question

How can I be sure that the guy I’m dating is really interested in me? I’m asking because he’s really good-looking, tall, and in great shape. I’m short, fat, and not at all pretty. We’ve been dating for three months, and on our last date he asked me what kind of ring I like. So, I asked him, “Are you talking about an engagement ring?” He, said, “Yes.” I panicked and changed the subject. Now I’m afraid he’s going to think that I’m not interested in him. I really am, but I’m just so scared that he will eventually get turned off by me. How can someone who looks like him possibly want someone who looks like me? I see couples where the husband is not good looking, and the wife is gorgeous. But are there couples where the husband is good-looking and the wife is fat and ugly?

Response

Your letter touched my heart, because I hear something much deeper. You are doubting how someone with his physical attributes could choose to love you. But, let’s start with your two separate questions in your letter. The first is, “How can I be sure that the guy I’m dating is really interested in me?” The second is, “How can someone who looks like him possibly want someone who looks like me?”

The first question has an answer. The second question is based on an assumption of yours that is most likely not true. Let’s start with the facts. You’ve been dating for three months. He continues to ask you out. He invests time in getting to know you. Most significantly, he asked what kind of ring you like. When you clarified whether he meant an engagement ring, he said yes. These are not the actions of someone who is casually passing time. These are the actions of someone who is seriously considering a future with you.

The only reason you doubt it is because you’re comparing what you see in the mirror with what you see when you look at him. Many people mistakenly believe attraction is simply a beauty contest. It isn’t. Yes, physical attraction matters, and I typically stress that in my column. But attraction is not based on a one-size-fits-all principle. Attraction is much more complicated than height, weight, or facial symmetry. Confidence, warmth, intelligence, kindness, humor, emotional safety, shared values, chemistry, admiration, and compatibility all influence attraction. What one person finds irresistible, another barely notices. If attraction were purely objective, every attractive man would marry the same woman, and every beautiful woman would marry the same man. That’s obviously not how life works.

You ask if there are couples where the husband is handsome and the wife is unattractive or overweight. Absolutely. Walk through any simcha, airport, shopping mall, shul, or neighborhood and you’ll find couples where one spouse is conventionally more attractive than the other. Sometimes it’s the husband. Sometimes it’s the wife. Sometimes an outsider wonders, “How did they end up together?” The answer is simple: they fell in love with the whole person.

Happy marriages are rarely built on appearance alone. Beauty changes. Bodies change, and people gain weight or lose weight. Hair turns gray. Wrinkles appear. Illness might happen, rachmana litzlan. Pregnancy changes a woman’s body. And most importantly, aging changes everyone’s body. If a relationship depends primarily on physical appearance, it rests on a very fragile foundation. A marriage that lasts is built on something much deeper.

There is another concern that caught my attention. When he asked about rings, you panicked and changed the subject. Imagine what that may have looked like from his perspective. He took an emotional risk. Bringing up engagement, even indirectly, requires vulnerability. He may have spent days working up the courage to ask that question. When you changed the subject, he may have wondered if you weren’t interested or if he had frightened you off. The irony is heartbreaking. You’re afraid he might reject you but he may also be afraid of rejection. Each of you might be worrying about the exact opposite thing.

One of the biggest mistakes people make while dating is assuming they know what the other person is thinking. We become experts at reading minds, except we almost always read them incorrectly. Instead of guessing, communicate. You don’t need a dramatic speech. You can simply tell him something like: “I’ve been thinking about our last conversation. When you asked what kind of ring I liked, I got nervous. I wasn’t changing the subject because I don’t care. Quite the opposite. I like you very much, and the idea caught me off guard.” That one conversation could relieve anxiety for both of you.

Now I’d like to address something more personal. You describe yourself as “short, fat, and not at all pretty.” Notice that you didn’t say, “I’m overweight. You didn’t say, “I wish I were thinner. You didn’t say, “I don’t think I’m attractive.” Instead, you used words that sound like a judgement on your worth. Be careful about becoming your own harshest critic. People sometimes become so accustomed to criticizing themselves that they assume everyone else sees them through the same lens. Perhaps he sees what you’ve never allowed yourself to see. Perhaps your smile lights up a room. Perhaps he admires your kindness. Perhaps your warmth makes him feel safe. Perhaps he laughs more with you than with anyone else. Perhaps he sees a young lady who not only understands him, but whose values, middos, and personality make her beautiful. As Shlomo Hamelech says, and is traditionally sung on Friday nights, “Sheker hachen v’hevel hayofi, isha yirat-Hashem, hee tit’halal—Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Hashem is to be praised.” The core message is that external charm and physical looks are temporary, whereas middos, maasim tovim, and a connection to Hashem endure and matter most. The Torah repeatedly reminds us that people often judge by external appearances, while Hashem looks much deeper. Where it relates to you, a G-d fearing man will also! I’m not trying to tell you that appearance is irrelevant, but lasting beauty is made of something far deeper than measurements on a scale or a reflection in a mirror.

The guy you are dating isn’t dating your self-criticism. He’s dating you. He had three months to decide whether he enjoys your company and apparently, he does. He has seen you in person. Clearly, he likes what he sees. He asked about an engagement ring. Doesn’t that tell you that he’s thinking beyond the next date? Why are you giving more weight to your opinion of yourself than to his opinion of you? Who says your evaluation is more accurate than his? To him, you are beautiful.

If you need some more incentive, speak to the many happily married couples out there. They will tell you that over time, love changes the way people see each other, whether or not one of them was considered to be conventionally beautiful when they first got married. A spouse who is deeply loved often becomes more attractive in the eyes of their spouse because love has changed the lens by which they view their spouse.

There’s also a practical point to consider. If this man is truly interested in marriage, he isn’t looking for the woman who impresses strangers walking down the street. He’s looking for the woman he wants sitting across from him at breakfast till 120 years. Those are entirely different criteria.

Finally, remember that every relationship requires courage. At some point, you have to risk believing that the person who is showing you they care is telling you the truth. Not because there are guarantees in life (there never are), but because healthy relationships cannot grow where fear constantly whispers, “This is too good to be true.” Judge him by his actions. Does he pursue you? Does he make time for you? Does he listen? Does he respect you? Does he include you in his future? Does he speak about tomorrow instead of only today? These are far better indicators of genuine interest than whether the two of you look like a magazine cover.

If he’s showing up for you consistently, treating you with kindness, speaking about engagement, and continuing to choose you, don’t let insecurity convince you to reject the very happiness you’ve been hoping to find. Sometimes the hardest person to convince that you’re worthy of love is yourself. Don’t let that become the obstacle that keeps you from accepting someone else’s love and affection. The question is not whether he could love someone like you: the question is whether you can truly believe him when he says he does. 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].