DATING FORUM

Question

We just had another huge fight with our soon-to-be mechutanim. This one was so bad that we were actually ready to call off the shidduch. The fight started over something that until recently we never imagined could become such a major issue: the seating arrangements at the wedding.

For some background, we’re a normal frum family who sees nothing wrong with mixed seating at weddings. We’ve attended many frum weddings where husbands and wives sit together. In fact, our rav sits with his rebbetzin at simchos and other functions. To us, the idea that married couples cannot sit together at their child’s wedding is very difficult to understand.

However, the kallah’s family wants separate seating—and they refuse to budge. We feel that since so many of the couple’s friends are still single, a wedding is also an opportunity for them to meet people. We’ve been hearing so much lately about creating more natural opportunities for singles to meet. Why shouldn’t single men and women be able to sit together at a wedding where they can talk, socialize, and even meet someone? Our mechutanim completely disagree.

What makes this especially frustrating is that, other than this issue, everyone gets along splendidly. We genuinely like our mechutanim. Our children are happy together. There have been no other major problems. But this argument has become so intense that we’re now wondering whether we made a terrible mistake. Our mechutanim actually agreed that we should write to you and ask for your opinion.

What do you think? Should one family have to give in? Is there a way to compromise? And if neither side is willing to compromise, is this really something over which a shidduch should be called off?

Response

First, let me tell you something that may make you feel a little better. You are not the first set of mechutanim to discover that two perfectly nice families can suddenly become entangled in a disagreement that neither side imagined would be a dealbreaker. In fact, this happens more often than people realize.

A shidduch can go beautifully while the young couple is dating. Everyone is polite. The parents meet. They exchange pleasantries. They discover that they have much in common. The children become engaged and suddenly everyone starts planning a wedding and then…BOOM. Someone wants one caterer. Another person wants another caterer. Someone wants a band. Another person wants a singer. Someone wants 300 guests. Another person wants 600 or more. Someone wants a certain hall. Another person wants a different hall. And before you know it, two happy families who were wishing each other “mazel tov” are suddenly fighting over napkins, centerpieces, invitations, and seating charts.

So, when I heard that your disagreement was regarding the seating arrangement, my first reaction was not that it was ridiculous. My first reaction was that something much bigger is going on here. And that is what I want both families to understand. This is not really about tables and chairs. It’s about what each family believes is appropriate for a Jewish wedding.

You are saying, essentially: “We are a frum family. We are comfortable with mixed seating. We have seen respectable frum people do this. We don’t understand why this is being treated as though it’s unacceptable.” The other family is saying: “We are also a frum family. Separate seating is important to us. We are not comfortable having our daughter’s wedding with mixed seating, and we don’t want to compromise on something that we consider a halachic or spiritual value.”

Do you see what has happened? Both families are defending their values. And once a disagreement becomes a fight over religious values, compromise becomes much harder. Because now nobody wants to feel that they are compromising their principles. This is why I would strongly caution both sides against trying to prove that the other side is “wrong.” Different does not automatically mean wrong; this is a lesson that our community desperately needs to learn.

There are many areas of frum life where different families, communities, and rabbanim have different standards and customs. Some families have mixed seating at weddings. Some have separate seating. Some have a mechitzah during dancing but not during the meal. Some have separate seating throughout. Some have a different arrangement altogether. The fact that their family follows one practice does not necessarily mean they are more frum and your family is less frum. Please don’t allow a difference in minhag or communal practice to become a judgment of one another’s Yiddishkeit. That is a very dangerous road for future mechutanim to travel. And please don’t use your rav as a weapon.

You mentioned that your rav sits next to his rebbetzin at simchot and functions. I completely understand why you brought that up. You are saying, “This isn’t some radical idea. A respected rav in our community does it.” Fair enough. But please don’t say to your mechutanim, “Our rav does it; therefore, your position is wrong.” That will accomplish nothing. If anything, it will cause them to become defensive. If this has reached the point where both families genuinely need halachic guidance, then by all means, consult a rav that both sides trust. But the purpose of involving a rav should not be to find a religious authority who will declare one family the winner. The purpose is to determine what is halachically permissible and what is a minhag. What are the legitimate sensitivities of each family? And is there a way to accommodate both sides? Those are very different questions.

Now let’s talk about the singles. I understand your argument. There is a tremendous need for more natural ways for singles to meet. For years, we have created environments in which singles are expected to meet through formal dating, shadchanim, events, apps, introductions, and networking. But sometimes the most successful relationships begin in a completely ordinary environment, such as a wedding.

A single person attends a friend’s wedding, meets someone interesting, talks to someone during the meal, or is introduced to someone by mutual friends, or simply notices someone they might not otherwise have the chance to meet. That can happen. And there’s nothing wrong with creating opportunities for singles to meet. However, and this is a very important point, the wedding of your children should not necessarily become a singles event.

Your son’s wedding is about your son and his kallah. It is their simcha with their families and their friends. It is their beginning as a married couple. If the kallah’s parents are uncomfortable with mixed seating, I don’t think it’s fair to tell them that their seating arrangement is preventing singles from meeting. There are plenty of other ways to create opportunities for singles to meet.

Have a singles table in a separate area of the hall for those who want to join. Have young friends mingle during the smorgasbord or arrange a social gathering before or after the wedding and encourage the married friends of the couple to introduce people to each other and make shidduchim. Or create a post-wedding gathering. There are countless ways to help singles meet without making the wedding seating arrangement the road on which everyone is obligated to travel, so to speak.

I would say something else to you as parents. Your children are going to have to live with the consequences of this disagreement much longer than you will. Today you are arguing about wedding seating. Tomorrow, these families will be grandparents. Think about that. Do you really want your first interaction as mechutanim to become: “Remember the wedding? That’s when your family refused to compromise.” And do you want your son and his wife to remember their wedding as the event that nearly destroyed their relationship with one side of the family? Of course not!

So, what should you do? I would suggest something very specific. Stop discussing the seating arrangement for a few days. Everyone is too emotionally charged. Do not send another angry text. Do not have another heated phone call. Do not involve extended family. Do not create WhatsApp groups of relatives discussing who is right. And absolutely do not allow your children to become messengers between their parents.

Take a breath. Then have a meeting—not a confrontation. Ideally, both parents and the young couple should agree to some ground rules. No yelling, insults, or accusations. No “your family always…” No “we knew from the beginning…” No dredging up unrelated grievances. No threats to call off the wedding. And most importantly: No one leaves the room until they have at least identified what the actual disagreement is. Because you may discover that the disagreement isn’t as absolute as everyone thinks.

Perhaps there can be separate seating for part of the event and a different arrangement at another part. Perhaps there can be a designated section for married couples. Perhaps the singles can have their own area. Perhaps the couple has a completely different idea. The point is not to dictate the answer. The point is to stop thinking there are only two choices: “Our way” or “your way.” There is usually a third way. And sometimes there’s a fourth, fifth, or sixth way. But you cannot see those options when everyone is angry. This is where a neutral rabbi, therapist, mediator, or respected community figure can be tremendously helpful. Not somebody who has a vested interest in one side. Not somebody who is going to lecture the other family. Someone who can say: “I hear why you’re uncomfortable.” And then say to the other side: “I also hear why you’re uncomfortable.” That is what mediation is supposed to do.

But now I want to turn the question around. You asked whether you should call off the shidduch if neither side will compromise. My answer is that you should determine whether there is a deeper compatibility problem. This is the part I would take very seriously. You told me that everyone gets along well aside from this one issue. That’s wonderful. But I want you to ask yourselves: Is this the first time one side has tried to dictate what the other must do?

Has there been other pressures? Have there been issues around the guest list? The religious standards? The finances? The size of the wedding? The music? The level of extravagance? Where the couple will live? How often will the families will visit? Yom Tov arrangements? What schools the future children will attend? How the grandchildren will be raised? Who gets involved in decision-making? What happens when the couple disagrees with their parents?

If the mixed-seating issue at the wedding is truly an isolated event, I wouldn’t allow it to destroy an otherwise wonderful shidduch. But if this fight has exposed a pattern in which one family says “my way or the highway,” then you need to pay attention. And the same goes for your family. If your position is that since mixed seating has worked for your side, the other side must accept it. This can quickly become a control issue.

Marriage requires flexibility and so does being mechutanim. The young couple needs to be the center of this conversation. I cannot emphasize this enough. Your son and his kallah are the ones getting married. Not the parents. The couple. They need to discuss what kind of wedding they want. And they need to learn something much more important than where their guests will sit: How will they handle disagreements between their families? Because this will not be the last time their parents disagree. It is almost guaranteed. They will have different family cultures, different traditions, and different expectations. Furthermore, they have different personalities and probably different ways of handling conflict.

The couple needs to learn how to say: “I love my parents, and I respect their opinions. But you are my spouse and together we need to decide how we are going to build our home.” That is not disrespectful to one’s parents. It’s called building a marriage. And parents need to learn the other side of that equation. There comes a point when you have to let your adult child build his or her own home. The wedding is the beginning of that process. It’s not the last opportunity for parents to have control. In fact, one of the greatest gifts parents can give their married children is the freedom to make decisions without constantly fearing they will offend someone.

One more warning: Don’t make the shidduch itself the bargaining chip. This is particularly important. Never say: “If you don’t agree to mixed seating, we are calling off the wedding.” And don’t allow the other family to say: “If you insist on mixed seating, we’re calling off the wedding.” Once the wedding itself becomes a threat in every disagreement, the relationship becomes emotionally unsafe. If there is a genuine issue serious enough to question the marriage, then discuss it calmly and honestly. But if the underlying issue is simply: “I want my wedding to look like my family wants it to look,” that is not a reason to threaten the relationship.

I also want to tell both families something that may be uncomfortable to hear. You are going to have to decide whether you want to be right or whether you want to be family. Sometimes you can have both. Sometimes you can’t. There are moments in life when the correct response is: “This is not exactly what I would have chosen, but I love my child more than I need to win this argument.” That is not weakness. That is maturity. And it goes both ways. Perhaps your family will ultimately have to accept separate seating. Perhaps the kallah’sfamily will ultimately have to accept a compromise. I’m not going to tell you which side should win. I would much rather see both sides decide that the marriage is more important than the seating chart.

There is something beautiful you can do after this is resolved. Once the decision has been made, let it go. Don’t keep score. Don’t say: “We gave in on the seating, so now you owe us.” And don’t say: “We agreed to your compromise, now you have to agree to ours on the next issue.” That is not compromise. That’s a transaction. Real compromise means you made this decision because you love your children and want their wedding to be a joyous event. Then move forward. I would even encourage you to turn this painful experience into a foundation for your future relationship to never involve your children caught in the middle of your disagreements. You could take what nearly became a family disaster and turn it into the beginning of a very healthy relationship between the mechutanim.

To the young couple: Your parents are most likely not trying to ruin your wedding. They are probably trying to protect what they believe is important. That doesn’t mean you have to let them make every decision. But it does mean you should try to understand where they’re coming from. Sometimes the answer will surprise you. A parent who seems unreasonable may be worried about something you never understood. And then, once you understand it, you may find a solution.

Finally, to both sets of parents, I want you to imagine something far in the future. You are sitting together at a family simcha. Your son’s children are running around. Your daughter’s children are laughing. The families have spent Pesach together. There are inside jokes. There are memories. Maybe one of those grandchildren is getting married. And someone tells the story: “Do you remember when Zeidy and Bubby almost called off the wedding because of the seating arrangement?” Everyone laughs. That’s the ending I want for you. Because ultimately, that is what happens when people allow a temporary disagreement to remain temporary.

So, no, I would not call off this shidduch simply because you disagree about mixed seating. But I would take this opportunity very seriously. Use it to find out whether the families can disagree respectfully. Use it to teach the young couple how to establish boundaries. Use it to establish a relationship between future mechutanim. And most importantly, remember what you’re celebrating. Your son has found a kallah. Her parents have found a chassan for their daughter. Two young people want to build a Jewish home together. That is a miracle. The marriage is the only thing that matters. And perhaps the most appropriate compromise is not asking, “Where will everyone sit?” Perhaps the question should be: “How do we make sure that, years from now, we’re all still sitting together?” 

Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis and shidduch consultant. Baila also produces and hosts The Definitive Rap podcast for 5townscentral.com, vinnews.com, Israel News Talk Radio, and WNEW FM 102.7 FM HD3, listenline & talklinenetwork.com. She can be reached at [email protected].