The Impact Of Bad News On Children: When Is It Normal To Be Abnormal?
Recently I was contacted by several schools regarding how to handle death and trauma in a community. For example, if someone the students know passes away suddenly, do we expect them to react to this shocking news or should we just encourage them to “move on”?
Every situation is different and every individual will react differently. The question addresses situations where the event is a traumatic one, such as a sudden death. Do we expect all students to react the same way or is it possible that some people are more resilient while others are more histrionic and both reactions are considered normal?
There are several factors which shape how human beings react to hearing unexpected bad news. Age and maturity level can influence how a tragedy is processed and shape one’s perceptions of whether an event will be personalized or viewed matter-of-factly. While some events can seem shocking to a younger person who has never been exposed to death, that same event may be less shocking to those with more experience.
Another factor that can shape a person’s reaction to a sudden death is how they learn about the tragedy. Notifications that are abrupt and insensitive, and are plastered onto grotesque images or lurid descriptions can trigger shock, horror, dread, and even nausea, whereas a gradual, more sensitive revelation of the tragedy might dilute the emotional reaction that follows.
Individuals are also shaped by how others around them react to traumatic news. One of the early theorists in the field of child psychology remarked that he believed that the black opening of the eye is called the pupil because it is the “pupil” of the face of those who care for that child. Children learn how to react by watching the adult’s reaction. When information is told with sadness or fear, the child may pick up that sadness and fear and may almost automatically display such reactions. When information is shared in a monotone or with no emotional accompaniment, the child may learn to disregard their own reactions and remain stoic or detached. The expectations others have as to how a child or youth should react can also be pivotal. A younger child may not have the maturity to understand the meaning and implication of loss, such as its permanence or finality and may literally go about their business-as-usual preoccupations, or might only react with practical questions such as, “Then who is going to make my lunch?”
When adults are not happy with the way the child is reacting, i.e. they expect him to be sad, or they wish he would not cry, and they discipline or reprimand the child, this can deepen the child’s distress. Generally, there is no right or wrong way to react to troubling news, and adults themselves should remain patient and resilient in allowing for a range of reactions among students and children. It is also common for a group of young people to have a range of reactions, with some slow to adapt to bad news and others seeming to be resilient, snapping back into their customary style of functioning. Generally, allowing majority rule and ignoring those who react differently than the mainstream creates shame in the child who is in distress, which can deepen the traumatic impact of the initial shocking news.
It is common to react to troubling information. It is not common to have no reaction at all. Healthy people have feelings, thoughts, and sometimes physical reactions upon hearing of tragedy. Sometimes there will be behavioral changes as well. It is normal to feel our feelings, to think our thoughts, and when having our reactions, it is often normal to show or display them. It is not particularly normal to have no reaction, and it is a disservice and a harmful message to imply to a child or anyone else that they should just get over their reactions, “man-up,” grow up, and move on. The probability is that if a person at any age is having a strong response to objective stresses, they are not doing so by choice. It is true that some are quicker to have dramatic reactions, some are prone to having what seem like exaggerated reactions, and some may react in ways that seem to garner pity and attention. Regardless, when a person is in distress, there are no scientific grounds or any humane wisdom in insisting that they tone down and get a grip. Both the science and the humane wisdom about how to respond to a person’s distress actually are much more common-sensical. A person in distress needs calm, focused attention, and the careful imparting of tools for expressing themselves so they can recover the skills of resiliency. It is usually not a matter of showing pity or enabling, but a matter of showing respect and providing space so that a normal reaction is not misperceived as an abnormality. n
Rabbi Dr. Dovid Fox is a forensic and clinical psychologist, and director of Chai Lifeline Crisis Services. To contact Chai Lifeline’s 24-hour crisis helpline, call 855-3-CRISIS or email [email protected]. Learn more at ChaiLifeline.org/crisis.
